Since childhood, I’ve always been taught to avoid all things and those that made me unhappy. I never really confronted my problems, I usually just brush them under the rug and someone will eventually resolve them for me. To be so materialistically and mentally spoiled, I didn’t really know how to give in to others or give up on something that I wanted. I was so used to getting things my way that I sometimes fail to consider the consequences of my actions and this bratty side of me would hurt those that I hold dear without realizing it. Truth be told, my friends have always been my top priority, sometimes even higher than family. Yet, I happen to be extremely talented in driving away those closest to me and losing the people that I love most. Stupid me somehow thought that senior year would be different, that I had experienced enough loss to understand what it took to be a great friend and to unconditionally love others.
It’s appropriate to say that this year has been too eventful. My barriers were sky high after sophomore year, and I was unable to trust anyone for the longest time. Yet somehow it collapsed last spring, and I slowly learned to trust my friends again. DSP has introduced me to many great brothers who I know have my back at all times and I can definitely say that my experience has been a blessing. I became good friends with someone I initially disliked for being a bitch to me; I unexpectedly clicked so well with her that we both slowly broke down each other’s wall. We bonded over pho, sushi, and pretty much food in general. Our ice barriers slowly melted over the spring semester, but summer hit pretty hard; we became extremely close. But somehow, it ended as fast as it started. This is my shortened version of the story and it’s about a friend that I held very dear to me until this day. Read on if you are interested; close the window now if you’re not in for a rollercoaster ride.
At 21, I finally learned that some things just cannot be forced, and it took every ounce of courage in me to let go of someone that I care for very much. It takes all my energy and willpower to admit that I cannot control every aspect of my life and it is impossible for me to completely understand everything. But I am going with it because I know that she is much better off without my deterrence. Some people come into our lives and quickly go, but some stay for a while, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same again. This is it.
To be honest, I can count on one hand the number of people who knows who I am, what I’ve done, what I truly love, and what I live for. Those are the people that I know are genuinely amazing at heart, people that I know I can trust with everything. My biggest regret this year is not being able to resolve our problems and finding our common ground. We have so much in common, yet so different in every aspect. We genuinely love, yet our ways of showing it is on different spectrums. I sincerely, truly wish that things did not have to end the way it did and I am putting up this huge front that I can withstand anything and everything, especially this situation. But I really can’t, because I am so deeply concerned for her wellbeing. I can’t stand seeing someone struggle without helping them, and that is my biggest weakness. All my friends tell me to let go of what is holding me back, and sometimes I want to believe that they are right. But there is a little inkling in me that keeps whispering, “ This is not the right thing to do Jenny Ngo. You’re making the biggest mistake right now, at this very moment.” And I want to dispel that thought promptly, I wish I could build up an iron heart or rebuilt the barrier that was once indestructible.
I believe that every single person is constantly on a pursuit of happiness. But every now and then, it’s good to pause in your pursuit of happiness, and just be happy. That’s a constant reminder that I need to keep in place. For the past semester, I’ve been fighting and bickering with that friend so much that I forgot what was really important. I let our struggles become the number one priority in my life; I let it dramatically affect both my academic and social performance. I could not sleep; I could not eat, because I was so worried about doing the wrong thing and being fucked up to my friends. I thought that if I just ended things, my health could recover from this blow. But tonight, a friend reminded me that I was being completely selfish for watching out for my own wellbeing that I am neglecting someone who trusts me so much. I really am honored that she could confide her deepest secrets and concern to me, but I regret having revealed mines. This is the point of no return, and as much as I want to go back, I must stand behind my words and respect her wishes. But it’s killing me to see my friend struggle, to see a friendship hit rock bottom and not support it. Somehow, she fails to understand that I never want to intentionally hurt her or anything, and that we could never,ever be enemies. Our hard fronts may display what we have done in the past during times of need, but this situation is so different. Maybe its a stupid thought, but I have always failed to understand others thoroughly.
But as we progress with our lives on separate paths, I will keep her in my prayers because I have faith that she will accomplish big things in the future. I wish she could recognize her potential and allow others to help her; I wish that she’s more confident in her abilities and show it.
I sometimes forget that the clock is ticking and time is very, very limited. I want to live for the now, I want to accomplish as much as I can. Everyday I am fighting the urge to go back; every moment I am telling myself that everything will be okay. People always come and go, and this is the most evident example of how certain things just can’t be. But if there is ever, ever an opportunity for us to rekindle our friendship, I will dive in without hesitation. Stupid as it sounds, I have faith that our paths will realign in the far future and we can one day catch up on all those missing times. I just hope its not too late. And no, I have never ever said this before to those that have left. Ever. This is the first, and probably the last.
Everything happens for a reason. The more we struggle, the more valuable it is. And it makes me so unhappy, so miserable to refrain from going back. But I will do what it takes if its the last and best thing I could do for this situation. Call me stupid for letting go, call me stupid for holding on, i don’t know what is the right thing anymore. I’m so used to doing stupid crazy things that I am not even surprised anymore.
Only one truth stands almighty: Every moment of the day, I am fighting the urge to go back and this constant struggle fills my mind with regrets.
Jenny Ngo, you failed. You failed badly, and now you must live up to the consequences.